TJR: The Raw Deal for 09/28/09 (Plus Hell in a Cell Preview)

January 24, 2021 0 By PENTICTONLAWYERS

The John Report: The Raw Deal for 09/28/09 (Plus Hell in a Cell Preview)

Welcome to the Raw Deal. You know the drill by now. I watch Raw, give my thoughts on everything that went down, bring it home with the three stars of the show plus a final rating and then end the Raw discussion with the thoughts from my friends on Facebook in the weekly Commentfest. After that, I’ll get to the very brief Hell in a Cell preview.

Live from Albany, NY here’s the Raw Deal…

The show started with MVP hosting the VIP Lounge with Mark Henry sipping on some Kool-Aid in one of those chairs. I love how they act like this is a regular show even though it happens maybe every three months. Note that the crowd is into MVP a lot. Will that mean a singles push? Nah, of course not. He goes to introduce Al, but out comes Jerishow. They took turns kissing Al Sharpton’s ass before bringing him out with Jericho saying his name quickly just as MVP was saying. Jericho’s comedic timing is impeccable. Al comes out, he gets booed and he acknowledges it by saying, “tough crowd.” MVP asked him to book them in a title match against Jerishow and he actually said the Jerishow name. Good. It’s catching on. Al, looking confused, handed it over to Jericho. Chris went into his rant ripping the fans using the big words that reminds me of Bob Backlund’s heel run (look at those hands). Al asked the crowd if they wanted a title match, they cheered and that meant it was on right now.

Chris Jericho & Big Show d. Mark Henry & MVP (**3/4)
I can’t remember the last time they gave a tag team match 19 minutes on TV. Even on Smackdown they don’t get that long. That’s pleasing to me. Even though they are still lacking true teams in WWE, you can’t deny that Jericho & Show have done wonders for those once worthless belts. Whoever beats them for the belts are going to be elevated just by scoring a win over such a dominant team. Of course watch it be DX. The match was the usual between these four. The faces worked over MVP for much of it, then they of course went to the floor for the commercial and they worked on Mr. Kool-Aid a bit too. I’m a huge fan of the Big Show tackling Mark Henry. It looks great visually. The other power spots are okay, but the tackle (or spear) clearly works the best. I love how MVP is shocked every time he hits the elbow after the Ballin’ spot and he doesn’t score the pin. It’s like, “come on ref, I’ve never won with this move before. Let me win with it now!” Um, no. I still don’t like the Playmaker finisher. We never got to see it since the big dudes fell out to the floor (literally) and Jericho finished MVP off with an awesome looking Codebreaker for the win. I’m not going to complain about matches on Raw getting time very often, but in this case it might have been too long.

Backstage, Primo welcomed Al to Raw. Did he ask for a match? No, that would be crazy. He just stood there while Chavo chased Hornswoggle around. Then Chavo introduced his partner, Chris Masters. Way to rehire a guy and never use him. Not that I’m complaining. Santino came in to try to save the segment. He thought Al was Don King, which was pretty funny. We would have a tag match later on and Primo appeared again to tell Sharpton that things were “loco” on Raw. That means crazy. I got some other words for it.

Orton did a promo. Said Cena will be in a struggle later in the night. You’d think that, wouldn’t you? This was an okay promo. Still feels like they feed Orton some bad lines to say. It doesn’t come off as natural as you’d like from a top heel all the time.

Mickie James d. Rosa Mendes (-*)
This was brutal. My poor girl Mickie. I need to console them…I mean her…after this one. I feel a rant coming on. Rosa was awful, proving again that she should not be wrestling on live television. Look, I know she’s beautiful and I have no problem with her standing outside the ring with Carlito, but in ring she looks as lost as anybody I’ve ever seen on WWE TV. She was out of place for a few of Mickie’s moves when Mickie was throwing clotheslines, she didn’t even know how to bump for a Thesz Press properly (that awkward “mauling” as Cole called it) and her only offense were some shoulderblocks in the corner that didn’t look good either. Making all of it worse was Michael Cole yelling “What a match!” when it was over. Um, yeah, what an awful match. Stop putting Rosa in matches for her sake, for the sake of the other women that might get hurt and for our sake as viewers. Why not give Jillian a role that actually allows her to have serious matches rather than putting inexperienced people in there? I don’t get it. By the way, absolutely no mention of Beth Phoenix inexcusably beating Mickie in a minute on last week’s show, which was incredibly rushed. Mickie vs. Alicia Fox on Sunday. Alicia is carrying the hopes of all the wedding planners that became wrestlers. She’s an inspiration to them all. Yes, I know I’ve used that joke before. I will continue to use it and beat it into the ground.

Ted Dibiase with two healthy looking ears and Cody Rhodes came out to the ring to talk. They said nobody expects them to beat DX, but that they were going to win. Then they cued up a video package because nothing says badass like getting the production team to show a video. They put over HHH as a “surefire first ballot future Hall of Famer.” Hey, just like Randy Savage! Oh wait, they have ballots and the Hall of Fame is a joke. My bad. Then Cody put over HBK as the greatest performer in the ring, which I tend to agree with. DX interrupted them up in a skybox with Michaels yelling, “Boring.” Hunter called them assholes by saying they’re like butts, but like the center part. Wow, so creative. I’m sure Michael Cole was told to think that was the greatest joke ever. They got into saying they’re like the Incredible Hulk in that once they become the monster they’re unstoppable. DX came down to the ring, Ted and Cody bailed and we had another standoff with no contact. I liked most of it. Some of the DX jokes were bad and the Incredible Hulk thing didn’t really work, but I like that they didn’t have a predictable brawl. I’ll be very surprised if DX doesn’t win on Sunday. I think the story of Hell in a Cell will be the unraveling of the Legacy trio.

Jack Swagger d. Evan Bourne (*1/4)
Bourne has moved in the world from beating the guy that loses to the midget all the time to…jobbing in three minutes. What a waste of talent. I like Swagger, so I’m not mad about him winning. I just wish they did something with Bourne, who has basically been useless on Raw for his entire time on the show. The fans are into the guy, but the booking team clearly isn’t. What a shame. After Swagger won, Miz came out claiming he’d be US champ. They argued about it. As Swagger and Miz fought, Kofi came down to get his belt back, which Swagger had stolen. I guess the message here is it’s not stealing if it’s yours. Triple threat match at the PPV with Kofi defending against Miz and Swagger.

Chris Masters & Chavo Guerrero d. Santino & Hornswoggle (1/4*)
It was a comedy match that only gets 1/4* because of Santino’s Three Stooges like offense. That was hilarious. Masters got the win when he put Santino in the Masterlock. Santino trying to fight out of it with fury and strength only to collapse was great. I love that man. Masters grabbed Horny, the announcers kicked in their SERIOUS VOICES~! and Chris put the leprechaun in the Masterlock. Chavo was stunned. Instead of helping Masters, he decked him with a punch. Then we walked out of the ring staring at his hands. Hey, another Bob Backlund reference! The feud of the year could have a twist. Oh, the intrigue.

Orton talked strategy with Jerishow backstage. Or maybe Orton just stared. You never know with him.

Next week’s guest host: Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers with his offensive line. I like Ben. Good guy that has a foundation he wants to plug. The show’s in Pennsylvania, so the crowd should love him although if Pittsburgh loses to San Diego next week and they drop to 1-3 it could be ugly. By the way, that Steelers/Chargers is next Sunday night head to head against the Hell in a Cell PPV. I’ll be watching the game, not the PPV. I wonder how many fans outside of North America know who he is? They’ve been screwed by these guest hosts. Guys like Barker, Sharpton and now Roethlisberger aren’t really known worldwide.

Al’s last backstage segment happened next with Jillian singing to him. He told her politely to get lost. She is in my top five list of people in WWE that should be used better. I don’t have an official list, but she’s in it. Then the Bellas, who are supposedly on ECW if that even matters, got him to sing “I Feel Good” by James Brown because he was his tour manager back in the day. He said goodnight as I said thanks for saying goodnight. Have to love how they mocked things for being stupid on WCW when they plugged that DVD and then they have segments like this.

I’m looking forward to the Smackdown 10th anniversary show this week. I hope Edge is there. I also hope that when they talk about the history of the show they don’t omit guys like Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar just because they’re not in WWE anymore. It will also be very cool to see The Rock have a video message. Love that guy.

Gauntlet Match: John Cena vs. Chris Jericho, Big Show and Randy Orton (**1/4)
What’s the point of reviewing the ten minutes of a beating that Cena took from Jericho and Big Show when none of it mattered in the long run? They each got DQ’d on purpose, putting him in their deadly submission holds. Then it was immediately forgotten. Orton walked out with the pace of a 90 year old man. He made the Undertaker look like Usain Bolt compared to him. How does that make sense? Cena got beat up for ten minutes, so Orton walks out there slowly? Yeah, what a viper. What’s the stupidest animal there is? A donkey? That’s Orton’s new nickname, the Donkey. Cena signaled for the cage to be lowered. He held Orton to prevent him from escaping. Yes folks, the twisted heel that wasn’t in a match is trying to run away from the guy that got beat up for ten minutes. Why why why? The cage got lowered, Orton ran out the door and instead of going up the aisle he ran up the cage because they have a PPV to promote. They fought up top. If Orton hit the RKO to end the show I’d have forgotten about Cena no selling everything. Instead, Cena hit the Attitude Adjustment (remember Orton was not in any kind of match) on the top of the cell, which gladly did not break. Hey look, John Cena looking strong. Not exactly a new concept.

Rant time. I don’t understand the point of booking Cena so strong all the time. He beat Orton clean at Breaking Point, took his title and then after getting beating up for ten minutes it was as if nothing happened. He looked stronger than Orton, who was fresh, when they had their confrontation. His back wasn’t sore from being in the Walls of Jericho and his neck wasn’t hurting from being in the Colossal Clutch. They had no effect. He climbed the cell with ease. He picked Orton up and dropped him with the Attitude Adjustment on the cell as if he was fresh as a daisy. Why do they expect fans to shell out $50 (or however much it costs) to see him beat up Orton again when we see it every single week while Orton, the supposed dangerous Viper, looks like a tool week after week. The only explanation is maybe they will have Orton win on Sunday to end the feud once and for all, but I really doubt that. Why move the belt over to Cena for a three week reign? That’s pointless. Booking Cena like this all the time hurts more than it helps.

Cena’s winning on Sunday and like I said earlier I think Hell in a Cell will be the start of the Legacy group breaking up with Ted going off on his own within a month or two.

Three Stars of the Show
1. Chris Jericho – Works two shows every week, saves promos, worked two matches on this night. What a talent.
2. Big Show – Ditto. I haven’t enjoyed watching Big Show this much since the Mayweather feud.
3. Santino – He really does save a lot of the bad comedy segments. His in-ring offense was hilarious too.

By the way, somebody emailed me asking who has been named one of the three stars the most since I started doing this in May. I have no idea. I’ll guess it’s Jericho. If somebody wants to look into the archive and tabulate it up with some kind of standings I’ll share the results next week. It doesn’t really matter since most of the time my top three are jokes.

Rating: 4 (out of 10)
Last week: 4.5

It’s hard to like the show when the booking of the finish left such a bad taste in my mouth. I like Cena. It’s nothing against him. It’s just that if you book a babyface to be this strong ALL THE TIME it’s hard for people to get behind the guy, ya know? I understand the Cena haters calling him “Super Cena” or “Hulk Cena.” I mean, hell, I hated Hogan as a kid for the same reason. Fans in their late teens, their twenties and up are going to hate the guy that wins all the time even when he gets beat on by three guys. Why should we root for Cena when he’s always coming out on top? He doesn’t need us. That’s what the fans think. It’s the stupidest possible way to book a babyface.

I think it’s great that Al Sharpton wants to help educate the youth of America. It really is. As a guest host, though, let’s just say he wasn’t somebody that was going to captivate the WWE audience. I understand it’s about the message and WWE likes to promote themselves to kids, but people are going to remember the fans booing the guy when he first came out rather than his message.

The highlight of the show was the opening and the tag match. It wasn’t great, however, so it was hard for me to give the show a high mark just for one match. I didn’t dislike the DX/Legacy thing. It was smart not to book either side having the advantage. I strongly dislike seeing Evan Bourne being booked as enhancement talent (that’s the politically correct way of saying jobber) and the performance by Rosa looked worse than most indy matches you will see.

There was nothing on this show that made me want to see Hell in a Cell more than I did before I watched this edition of Raw. The problem is it all comes off as very predictable to the point that most fans, including me, don’t want to pay money to support the “good guys” because they always seem to have the advantage.

Lazy booking from top to bottom. That’s the product of having too many PPVs and not enough top guys to sell those PPVs because not enough people are getting elevated.

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Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the CommentFest while my comments, which will usually be sarcastic, will follow in the brackets when necessary:

John Cena has to play Gauntlet tonight? Loved that game. Was always the wizard. (I was always the muscle guy.)

They would use the only two noticeable black ppl to introduce Al Sharpton. (Koko B Ware was busy.)

Love how Jericho said Sharpton’s name really fast so he could say it before MVP…Jericho rules.

I’m ready to play some poker… Oh wow. I drew the Race Card! Thanks Reverend Al!

Jericho’s smugness and sheer genius rules! Heel it up, bitch.

Vintage Al Sharpton!

Line of the night after MVP called them Beauty and the Beast. Big Show: “This man is not a beast, he’s a good looking man”

So SD’s Jericho is opening and headlining RAW tonight (gauntlet match)? Not that I mind – but thanks for showing how good an idea the roster split is. (I just ignore it, personally. More Jericho = better show.)

Typical Jericho…gonna start keeping track of those cause Cole found us out and is trying not to use vintage.

I figured out Michael Cole’s vocabulary use. “Vintage” is for faces, “typical” is for heels. (They are experts in Cole-ese!)

That’s weird, why does Mark Henry have the acronym for “Woman Seeking Man” on his back? (He works for dating sites.)

Wow, Michael Cole, I never knew you could see cobwebs in your head. Oh, how I hate him.

Rev. Al should have came out with James Brown…wait JB is dead…but so is the tag team division!

W.S.M.= WHATABURGER SOUNDS MUNCHABLE! I bet it does, Mark Herny…you fatass… (Thanks for posting, Mae Young. I take that comment to mean that you and Mark aren’t raising your baby hand together.)

Good to see they turned Chavo vs. Hornswoggle into a backstage feud.

Santino’s Don King reference is the best…over alotta the little kids heads tho.

Lets play the count the minorities hanging out with Rev Al tonight…. MVP (black), Mark Henry (black), Primo (hispanic), Chavo (hispanic), Hornswoggle (midget), Masters (gay)…. I think we’re at 6 so far. (This one made me legitimately laugh. Well done.)

maybe Dean Douglas and Matt Stryker are gonna be fighting and Sharpton will be the special ref with the Genis as special enforcer. (Wow, a blackboard reference.)

Time for John C.’s weekly “Mickie James bouncy bouncy” comment. Wait for it… (You got me all wrong. I like her for her mind…not. It’s for the bouncing.)

I want to see Alicia do a spinaroonie….

alicia and rosa are sexy…ill trade my vintage fix for a night with them….both of them….better yet mickie james can cum also…get it hahah (im sorry john) (No. She’s an angel. A sweet angel with a fine ass and newly repaired enhancements.)

Dear baby Jesus in heaven please please please let a Mickie James sex tape be realesed!! (Using Jesus’ name to ask for the sexual exploitation of an innocent woman is blasphemous! And yet I approve fully.)

Did MC just say that Legacy was more controversial than DX? If I ever see Michael Cole on the street I am going to kick him in his neck. (Jim Ross, thanks for posting!)

I’d rather go to sleep than watch RAW….Kelly Kelly isnt even being used….. (On camera anyway. I hear she gets used backstage in other ways. I’m kidding! Maybe.)

Shout out to Cody Rhodes for tellin the truth…atta boy!!

Legacy’s Legacy. Two fifths the size of Spirit Squad, and three times as boring. Oh, and with half the main event stars coming from it. I don’t see DiBiase and Rhodes with the charisma and/or likeability to even reach Ziggler’s heights.

Even HBK is bored with RAW. What does that say? (I think it says he should go back to being a chef.)

Can the writers please make Cody Rhodes say that Shawn Michaels is sliding down a slippery slope on his way to Summer Slam and the Suvivor Series…. the lisp is KILLING ME.

Of course they ran, HBK. It’s called a chickenshit heel, remember? You were one of the best. (Oh, how I miss those days.)

Oh the excitement – who will run off with the US title belt this week. Maybe they can involve Hornswoggle in that somehow? (Don’t be stupid! He’s too god for that shit. He’s going to be WWE Champ at Mania.)

You’re the Miz…..and you’re average. Get back to ecw…. or better yet TNA, you suck.

The crowd is dead. How in the hell was he impressive, King and Cole? Oh it says so on your notes there!

Why use Bourne as a jobber? Isn’t there someone else backstage Swagger could’ve squashed and had the same effect? (Primo was busy chatting it up with Al.)

The regular sized upper body, the big head, and the really narrow neck. That’s not Al Sharpton, that’s a turkey!

Santinoggle vs Chavterpiece

Santino Marella = Best Wrestler Ever. Anyone who says “I don’t think so” and then counters by moving their own arm is a winner. (I agree!)

Hornswoggle did not lose….Santino lost….the streak continues. (I almost had a heart attack.)

I found myself hoping Masters would beat the hell out of Horny, then cheering when he put on the Masterlock. I then was upset because Chavo didn’t snap Horny in half. Am I going to hell? (No, it’s just Raw. A similar punishment, really.)

What did I miss? Stepped away to take a Mark Henry. (You knocked up an old chick?! Gross!)

Roethlisberger… that could be reallly good, or reallly bad. Nice idea to get some people (Steeler fans) to watch Raw instead of MNF though.

Who is this guest host next week? Another guy I aint heard of! (Way to cater to the UK fans, Vince!)

This Friday, the WWE will celebrate the tenth anniversary of Smackdown by having wrestlers who have never wrestled on the brand main event!

CAUTION SPOILER–>NOTHING EXCITING HAPPENS ALL SHOW!

Everytime Cena comes out it makes me want to visit a John Deere dealership…

I bought one when the Mexicools were around. (I need their number. My grass is too long.)

VINTAGE!!!!! FINALLY DICKHEAD SAID IT!!!

9:51 Central time – Vintage

VINTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (See that Cole, your people love you!)

And people wonder why some fans hate the product. The UNDISPUTED World Tag Team Champions couldn’t beat John Cena? Are you fucking kidding me?

Way to sell Cena’s back injury. Lift 500 pounds on it. That’s believable.

I think Orton wants to have a longer entrance than Undertaker…he is going to be pissed.

WM26: Randy Orton vs. The Undertaker in a “Who takes longer to get into the ring” match. Vintage!

Not only is John Cena stealing Hulk Hogan’s power of super recovery, but now Undertaker’s telekinesis?

The cage gets its own entrance music? Really?

What did we ever do before the Commentfest? This was the best part of Monday Night RAW. Thanks John! (Thanks for posting, Vince McMahon. Tell Linda I wish her the best.)

Thanks for the participation as always.

——

A Very Quick Hell in a Cell Preview

It should be a very good show in terms of matches. I think the three cell matches should all hit the three star level very easily and while none of them will likely be matches of the year I do think that Cena/Orton will be the best match those two have ever had. The question is did they generate enough interest to entice people to buy the PPV? I don’t think they have. Me? I’ll be watching football and seeing the PPV through other sources the next day most likely.

Intercontinental Title: John Morrison (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
Should be a fun match between two (hopefully) future main eventers. I think they’re smart enough to keep the belt on Morrison. I’d love to see Morrison vs. Mysterio at the next PPV in a rematch of what I thought was the #2 match of the year. The Pick: Morrison

Divas Title: Mickie James (c) vs. Alicia Fox
I like Alicia. She’s got a good future ahead of her. Just not yet. Have to go with my girl here. The Pick: Mickie James

US Title: Kofi Kingston (c) vs. The Miz vs. Jack Swagger
The belt’s been on Kofi for a while now, so a title change is likely. The question is who gets it? I personally think the Miz needs it more because it fits his character better while I hope Swagger gets elevated above this level sooner rather than later. The Pick: The Miz

Tag Titles: Chris Jericho & Big Show (c) vs. Batista & Rey Mysterio
How do you reward somebody suspended for a wellness policy violation? With at title shot. Oh well. I love Rey. I’ll forgive them for the decision. Better than a Kane match. Anyway, I think Rey’s return will see him eating a Big Show right hand for the decision. It’s not like they’ll be having Batista take a pin. Either that or it ends up in a DQ with a rematch happening at the next PPV. I’ll go with the heels getting a pin. The Pick: Jerishow

Hell in a Cell Match: DX vs. Legacy
It was funny hearing Legacy say they’re going to win. They won’t. Like I said above, this will be the start of the Legacy group unraveling. I think DX moves on to feud with Jerishow over the tag belts after this although I would rather see Michaels in singles again. The Pick: DX

Hell in a Cell World Title Match: CM Punk (c) vs. The Undertaker
Much like the previous PPV match they had, I don’t know how they’ll book this one. I think the obvious way to go is to have The Undertaker win clean. I don’t want that to happen because I think Punk needs a long title run to establish himself as a main eventer, but what else can they do? Have Kane interfere to cost the Undertaker? Please no. The Pick: The Undertaker

Hell in a Cell WWE Title Match: John Cena (c) vs. Randy Orton
I know the ending of Raw will make some people think Orton is winning. I’m not one of those people. Cena won clean at Breaking Point and the feud’s going to end with a decisive victory here. Like I said before, though, this could be the match of the night. Their chemistry is better this year than it was two years ago. The Pick: John Cena

I predicted a lot of babyface victories. I think the crowd will go home happy after this one and some feuds will end.

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I wrote a long one this week. I felt like ranting, what can I say? See you on Saturday for the Talking Smack column and also for my weekly NFL picks at Sportsoratory.com, which should be posted early Friday. My buddy James is on fire this year while I’m doing just okay. And check us out at the Oratory for more wrestling columns as well as plenty of MMA coverage including a weekly Ultimate Fighter rundown among other things.

Thanks for reading. Have a great week.

Smell ya later,
John Canton – oratoryjohn@gmail.com
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