Cewsh Reviews Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card 4 Match Drawing
Welcome, boys and girls, to the most exciting night in the Cewsh Reviews year. Tonight’s the night when we reveal the card that our readers and fans, (those aren’t always one and the same,) chose for us to review, creating the 4th annual installment of a little shindig that we like to call the Cewsh Reviews Super Mega Ultra Technicolor Dream Card.
Inside we’ll reveal the matches and the winners, and we’ll also give a little background on why these matches are interesting, as well as revealing the special wrinkle that we’re introducing this year to spice things up. So come on in, and watch the magic of reader interaction take place. And if you wind up kicking yourself for not having participated, just remember: there’s always next year.
Alright, so first of all, let’s explain exactly what the CRSMUTDC is. Essentially, we open up submissions once a year for anyone who wants to to send us any 3 matches that we’ve never reviewed before. These can be matches from any era, any country and feature anyone, just so long as it is possible for us to get our hands on the footage. We throw all of the submissions into a Optimus Prime Mr. Potato Head and shake it on up, and then we draw out 8 of the entries at random to comprise the card. All of the people whose matches get pulled receive prizes of our choosing, and then at the end of the month we review all of the matches as one big, eccentric show. It’s the event our fans look forward to more than any other every year, and it has given us everything from Bread Eating Deathmatches, to matches so good they were revelations that we never would have seen otherwise.
Here are the first 3 Dream Shows for your enjoyment and reference.
Oh, and that revelation I mentioned of a new feature for this year’s dream card? Well a special night calls for pulling out all the stops, so for the first time ever, we will review a show with EIGHT DIFFERENT GUEST REVIEWERS. That’s, like, double the most we’ve ever done before, and every match will have a completely different point of view from the rest. I’m keeping the secret of who these people will be under tight lock and key, but I promise that most of them are actually real people.
So with that said, let’s see what the ol’ Optimash Prime has spun out for us this time. Optimash, if you would do the honors.
Cewsh: To this point in Cewsh Reviews history, pretty much all of the lucha libre that we have covered has been contained on Japanese wrestling shows. That’s not because we don’t like lucha libre, it’s just that we don’t watch a ton of it, and there aren’t as many shows that make for good entry points into the concept for fans new to the idea. But with this submission, we’ll be seeing many of the luchadors that we’ve reviewed before in New Japan, and this time they’ll be in their own home environment and swinging for the fences.
And hey, if Valiente’s glorious ass is going to be there, then I’m giddy as a schoolgirl.
Cewsh: It’s submissions like this that really let us know that our readers love us. We have had endless fun making fun of WCW in the past, but it’s been a good long time since we got a chance to fully tee off on that everlasting source of happiness and warmth. And now here comes Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett, and if I’m reading this correctly, they will be accompanied by a guest enforcer, a guest ring announcer, a guest time keeper, a guest bell ringer and a guest belt keeper. If any of that is wrong then I don’t want to be right.
Cewsh: Holy shit you guys, are you seeing that picture right now? The best part about this match selection is that it has given me an excuse to show a picture of two of the biggest names in wrestling history looking like enormous dorks. But the second best part about this selection is its timeliness. After all, we may very well be seeing this match at Wrestlemania next year, and if we do, its very possible that it could be the last match of the Undertaker’s career. So before we take that long road, we’re going to get a chance to hearken back to the days when John Cena was a heel and all was weird with the world.
Cewsh: Intergender madness! The match that gives television networks the willies! A woman hitting a man! A man hitting a woman! Coincidentally they are members one of the most beloved indy stables of the past decade and are two of the most incredible, well respected talents in the world! Will our purity of mind be able to withstand this controversy?!
Cewsh: There’s always one of you.
Cewsh: Even though we’ve been around for a long time, there are still a lot of parts of wrestling history that we’ve barely touched at all. The entire Ultimate Warrior era, for one thing, and anything involving Rick Rude as well. So reviewing this match, which is generally regarded as one of the greatest carry jobs of all time, should be a great treat. I mean, its tailor built to all of my strengths. There’s goofiness to make fun of, a backstory to obsess over, and backstage controversy abounds. Zounds!
Cewsh: TWO lucha matches?! This is madness people, MADNESS. Funnily enough, this is the premiere match from the most famous lucha libre show in history for American fans, making it pretty much the ideal entry point for anyone wanting to know more about 90s lucha libre than just what they saw on Nitro. los Gringos Locos is one of the great heel tag teams of all time, and includes a young, fresh faced Eddie Guerrero, and El Hijo del Santo is the son of one of the 3 biggest stars in wrestling history. And this is the premiere gimmick match for the top stars in all of Mexico at the time. The stakes couldn’t be higher, and neither could the odds of this being greatness.
Cewsh: Well now, isn’t this timely? In the same month where John Cena and Ryback will clash in a 3 Stages of Hell match at WWE Payback, this submission will give us a chance to relive perhaps the best match that that gimmick has ever produced. The backstory is something out of a drug fueled soap opera, the action is wild and intense, and the two men involved are two of the greats at the peak of their abilities. This is, without a doubt, the main event of our dream card, and one of the great matches that we’ve never covered. Until now.
Alright boys and girls, there it is. Your Cewsh Reviews Super Mega Ultra technicolor Dream Card 4. The show should be a hoot, with guest reviewers just crawling out of the woodwork and some special ANGLE reviews that will be chosen equally at random from everything that Youtube has to offer. Remember, last year gave us Zoldan, which is the greatest discovery that anyone has made since the first guy thought of putting curdled cow jizz on top of slabs of cow ass. Who will be the next Zoldan? You’ll have to tune in and find out. Until then, remember to keep reading and be good to one another.
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